I can say I really studied for something, but I still got an awful mark.


Oh, BIO150, why? The other tests, I didn't study as hard, or consistently, but somehow managed to do better. How? Why?

I wonder if this is my limit. You always here this line from guidance counsellors. I don't want to believe it is. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense I can drop this much from high school. But then again, I remember talking to guidance before, and they asked me (what I believed to be) a rather funny question… something along the lines of whether I was working hard in highschool to achieve my marks. I couldn't aswer right away, and the lady went on to tell me that it will seem more difficult if I found high school easy. But, I believed naively that everyone around me seemed to work so hard, and thus, I was also working hard. And, I must admit, that in comparison to some of my other peers, no, I was not. It seemed a lot easier, the material came to me easier, and absorbing it was so much easier. Though, I think actually going to classes factors in. :\

So, I feel a little less guilty now. Guilt was eating at me like crazy the day before. Almost paralyzing me as I slept most of Saturday away, waking up feeling sluggish and even mroe guilty, but unwilling to be conscious to that feeling. Yes, it is mostly my fault that my term marks are dispicable, but I can admit to myself, and my parents that I did try. I tried. I tried. I tried. But somehow the outcome was even worse. Did something backfire? Lack of sleep? Worry? Over-analyzing questions?

Fuckery.

Well, with summer approaching, I am going to work hard starting on Day 1 and not look back. That is what I am telling myself, but I am yet another slacker student who will end up in a poor house someday, regretting a misspent youth.

I am not exactly happy that this year is coming to an end. It means I'll have to bear these marks and there is no way to change them. Though, I am looking forward to going home, and I've been thinking of moving my furniture around in my room. I want change. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be static. I must, I must, I must improve over the summer.

This is me, and I will welcome change. I hate this downward spiral I'm feeling.

If my marks don't improve, I have no idea what I'll be doing in life. I want to go to grad school at least. I want to, but can I?

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